Smells like Fritos

What, you thought I was kidding about the dog photos? Yeah. No.

Did you ever have one of those days where you go to the Hallmark store and seriously cannot find the birthday wrapping paper? Like, anywhere?

And then you're driving through the neighborhood behind your son's high school and you see some young, skinny meth-head-looking dude all black-hoodied up, aggressively slouching along like he's looking for trouble, and you think "uh oh" but then you notice he has something in his hand, and that something is the handle of a leash, and at the other end of the leash is a morbidly obese dachshund just waddling along, snuffling at the fallen leaves?

And then you buy a turkey but on your way home from the turkey store you have to stop for, like, the longest train in the history of trains, like a two-Jethro-Tull-songs train, and you're really super glad you brought an ice chest for the turkey so it doesn't go all ptomaine in the back of your Hyundai?

And then you have to stop real quick-like at the non-turkey grocery store somewhere between the train tracks and home only you get there right after the retirement center has dropped off a busload of old people, and this one parks-the-cart-diagonally-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle lady keeps magically appearing right in front of you in like EVERY SINGLE SECTION of the store, and you just need to get to the freaking oranges OH MY GOD DO NOT MAKE ME CUT A GEEZER RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF PRODUCE LADY MOVE YOUR FREAKING CART BEFORE I LOAD IT WITH C4 ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT THE HOLIDAYS MAKE ME SORT OF PSYCHOTIC??!!!?

... No?

Well. Let's pretend this never happened.