Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire

I'm having trouble writing lately, or rather I'm writing things and not publishing them. I suspect many of my blogging friends are in the same boat, and that boat is full of elephants, and do we talk about those? Do we distract ourselves? What is the Right Thing?

I wrote about suicide a couple of weeks ago, in part to let people know I'm okay since I've come out of the suicidal ideation closet (I'M OKAY!), but what the whole thing boiled down to was "love is an active verb, not a commodity to be given, received, earned or deserved" and "what if all that REALLY matters in the end, when your heart is weighed against a feather or Saint Peter consults his heavenly Moleskine or whatever it is that happens, is how you treated other people?" *

It pretty much sounded like your stoned friend yammering at you somewhere between the bong and the biscuits, and so forever shall it remain unpublished, alas.

I also tried writing about one of those other elephants but THAT kept turning into a story about how my privileged, white, US-citizen daughter H was (and still is) completely and utterly fearless and how every time we took her to the emergency room, which was A LOT OF TIMES, I was terrified Child Protective Services would be called in to take her away from us, and how my very first thought when I woke up on the morning of her 18th birthday was, "Now no one can take her." And about the unbelievable relief I felt over that. Which had nothing at all to do with the horror of what is happening in this country and my state right now and, in fact, bordered on appropriation. So yeah.

Since last we spoke, C isn't doing so great, or rather he IS doing REALLY great but only because he currently has zero demands placed on him, WHICH ISN'T GREAT. I've stepped back my involvement with the food pantry to deal with this situation, also not great, and my dealing with it isn't going great because life keeps getting in the way, and I'm spending a lot of time feeling like I'm failing all the people I most definitely do not want to fail and then beating myself up over the fact that I'm beating myself up over that. This is what it's like to live in my brain. Now you know how surprised and delighted I was to make it to 50! (Fifty-one now!)

H moved out of our house again and I think/hope she's doing okay but I don't get to see or talk to her nearly as much as I would like (I would like EVERY DAY please). I miss her more this time than I did last time, what's up with that? I think I just want all my chicks in the nest.

P and I aren't traveling anywhere by plane this year as far as we know, and I am both relieved and disappointed. But mostly relieved. We're taking a couple of car trips this summer and fall, one to visit family and one to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, and I don't know where we're going other than "west". For the second one, I mean. That first one is "east" until we hit beach.

I'm knitting a sweater, which is kind of a milestone for someone who up to now has knitted only shawls, scarves, cowls, socks, a few baby items and one ill-fitting hat. It's not at all appropriate for the current season but I've bought the yarn to knit another sweater that WILL BE appropriate for the current season except we're likely to be firmly into the NEXT season by the time I start it, but whatever, I knit sweaters now and I'm kind of excited about it.

I don't know what else to say. I hope you're all doing well. I'm surprisingly good in spite of it all. I'll try to write more often even if it's stupid.

* I'm pretty sure it IS the only thing that matters, and that I have a lot of work to do.

The close and holy darkness

Right, were'd we leave off? End of October?

In November H moved back home and we had Thanksgiving and H turned 20 and I had a bit of a moment over that what with her being my youngest and all. In December it snowed and we had Christmas and we didn't travel anywhere and it was nice.

And now you're all caught up.

Traditionally at the end of December I'd talk about all the books I'd read the previous year, but the truth is that in 2017 I didn't read a whole lot of new-to-me books. I DID re-read a whole lot of books I'd read before, I think because I needed the comfort of familiar words this year: all the Harry Potters, all of His Dark Materials, The Handmaid's Tale (not comforting, that last one, but I hadn't read it in decades and was due for a refresh).

I did manage to read a few new-ish ones, though, and these were my favorites in fiction: Underground Airlines by Ben H. Winters, The Book of Speculation by Erika Swyler, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, News of the World by Paulette Jiles, The Love Song of Miss Queenie Hennessy by Rachel Joyce, Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein, The Wonder by Emma Donoghue, Horrorstör by Grady Hendrix, and The Good People by Hannah Kent.

Excellent nonfiction I read this year: Twelve Years a Slave by Solomon Northup, Dark Money by Jane Meyer, Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson, Washington's Nightmare by Scott B. Christmas, Lion by Saroo Brierley, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot, and I'm Just a Person by Tig Notaro.

Huh. I guess when you throw in all the three- and four-star books I read (only fives for you people, ONLY FIVES FOR YOU) and the re-reads, that DOES add up to kind of a lot of books for 2017. Well, hell. Go me! (That last photo is of some recent purchases. So far 2018 is looking pretty good, book-wise.)

Honestly I feel like I spent most of this year knitting. I made a little green scarf, a much bigger scarf in fall colors, my first completed pair of socks, a pair of socks for H, another pair for me, a very fun-to-knit hat, a cowl for my mom, and half of a mosaic shawl that I had to frog due to it being part of a poorly curated kit. Currently on the needles: a second attempt at said mosaic shawl (but this time with MUCH more suitable yarn), the second of my first-ever pair of toes-up socks, and a cowl I'll probably never finish if I'm being honest because the pattern is kind of boring and I'm not loving the yarn, oof.

I'm not making resolutions for the new year, but I do have two hopes. Just two. First, I hope I can be a vessel for and an instrument of Grace, and by Grace I mean Love and Compassion and Kindness. (My concept of the Divine is pretty broad and as a result it's unlikely that I believe in and revere your specific god, but I do believe in and revere these things.) Second, I hope I can see and recognize Grace in other people. That's all. If I can do that, at least most of the time, I think I'll be doing okay.

Happy New Year to you, my friends! Here's to the resisters and the fighters, the peacekeepers and the healers, the carers and the thinkers and the dreamers and the hopers. Here's to the innovators and the implementers. Here's to us.

We are all of us in the gutter

Hello, friends. Apart from my UK travelogue we haven't really talked about life and stuff and things since July, have we? Well, plenty of life and stuff and things have been happening since then, boy howdy!

Amazon had 23andMe kits half-off on Prime Day over the summer, so P and I bought a couple and mailed our spit off to the lab, and my results came in the day before we left for the UK. I already knew about my British Isles and German and Southern European ancestry, so those were no surprise. But I did NOT know about my Japanese, Ashkenazi and Sub-Saharan African ancestry, and those were the most bizarre and delightful surprises ever. I am still processing what this all might mean, but I'm pretty sure it means I'm at least 5% cooler and more interesting than I already thought I was, har har.

I turned 51 in September and now it's October and that means that I'm exactly the same age my mother was when my daughter was born (one month past her 51st birthday) and my daughter is exactly the same age that my mother was when I was born (one month shy of her 20th birthday). That's a pretty nifty little bit of matrilineal mathematics, eh? I've been thinking a lot about that, too. I cannot imagine my H having been married for two years and giving birth to her first child right now. And I cannot imagine being the mother of a 31-year-old and a grandmother of two right now. Holy cannoli. Quit trying to freak me out, Time.

C got his driver's license in September which was a HUGE deal. As most of you know, my boy C has some challenges. He took and passed driver's ed when he was 15 like most kids in the US do, but he found driving so stressful that he opted out of getting a driver's license. For a few years he made do with a bicycle, then an electric bike, for getting around town without parental involvement. But we live way out in the 'burbs with no real public transportation, so that wasn't a great solution. Last year he had progressed to the point that he felt comfortable taking a motorcycle safety course, and he was able to get his Class M license. We bought him a scooter that looked a LOT more like a motorcycle than I was expecting, and he was able to get a bit further from home under his own power, but scooters and motorcycles definitely aren't weatherproof, you guys. Even though he was still super nervous about it, he indicated earlier this year that he might maybe perhaps someday be interested in possibly getting a license to drive a car, and P seized on that and basically did all the legwork to make it happen. He bought C a used convertible (because C was worried he'd feel claustrophobic in a car) and got a learner's permit added to his Class M license and practiced practiced practiced with C every week until C was feeling confident enough and comfortable enough to test for his Class C license. And he did and he got it! So now he can drive a car, something that I honestly never thought would happen given his anxiety around it. We are SO SO PROUD of him!

I've read some more good books since last we spoke. Really enjoyed William R. Anderson's The Ice Diaries, even though his descriptions of piloting a nuclear submarine between massive chunks of polar ice and the ocean floor freaked me RIGHT OUT. Loved Emma Donoghue's The Wonder. Had complicated feelings about Hillbilly Elegy but it's absolutely worth reading. LOVED Grady Hendrix's Horrorstör. I liked Ben Aaronovitch's first Peter Grant book, Midnight Riot, very much but I felt it wanted some editing and it took me forever to finish, by which point I was glad to be done with it. Thumbs up on Louise Penny's Glass Houses, the most recent Chief Inspector Gamache. Loved Hannah Kent's The Good People. I was delighted to discover Karen MacInerney's Dewberry Farm series of cozy mysteries earlier this fall when my brain just couldn't focus on books for whatever reason. Fluffy but well-written and with a local-to-me setting. Right now I'm re-reading the whole His Dark Materials series because I totally forgot I'd pre-ordered Philip Pullman's latest, The Book of Dust: La Belle Sauvage until it showed up on my Kindle.

P and I have been dithering back and forth on cutting the cable TV cord this fall. We have and love Netflix and Amazon Prime Video but we need a good option for live TV. Hulu has too many commercials, YouTube TV doesn't have TBS, we're still looking at Playstation Vue and Sling TV. Oof. Anyone have a streaming service they love that isn't Apple? Requirements: commercial-free option (we're happy to pay extra for it), cloud DVR, must have TBS, must work with both Roku and Android. Go!

I've actually weaned myself off TV quite a bit, to the point that Game of Thrones really is my only must-see, and that's only because it's moved beyond the books (like WAY beyond). But I've been enjoying some other stuff on the tee-vee, y'all! If you didn't see the first season of Claws, find a way to do that. The cast is fantastic and the writing is bananas and I found it completely unpredictable and awesome. Episodes is over now and Broadchurch is over now and Orphan Black is over now and I loved all of them. There's not nearly enough Thandie Newton in my life right now so I can't wait for Westworld to come back. The new Doctor Who is a woman and I am SO EXCITED! People of Earth is so great, The Detour is so great, Wrecked is SO GREAT, and that right there is why any streaming service we use has to have TBS. (Also: The Guestbook. Because Garrett Dillahunt.) I love The Good Place and I like Ghosted and I have warm feelings toward The Orville. And that's pretty much all I'm watching these days. I gave up on American Horror Story and The Walking Dead and The Strain ages ago. I feel like life already is horrifying enough these days without watching horror on TV, but maybe that's just me. I'm pretty sure it's just me.

Other stuff going on: I've been knitting ALL THE THINGS. Well okay, socks and scarves and cowls, mostly. But I've been doing so much knitting that I invested in a cheap swift and winder and sure, they tangle the center-pull strands all to hell, but they make awfully attractive yarn cakes, and pulling from the outside works just fine. So yay for that. I've started volunteering every week at a local food pantry and I am here to tell you that the very best antidote to feeling helpless that I've found is to help someone else. And if you're looking for a great way to put your own shit into perspective, maybe try helping a resident of a domestic violence shelter sort through shelves of donated food trying to find something that she can keep down when the chemo makes her nauseated. I'm just saying. It's hard to have bad days anymore since I've been doing this, you know? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOW?!

Anyway. Hi. Sorry this was so long. How are you doing? I've missed you.

It was 20 years ago today

This is a true story.

May 27, 1997. I am standing in my house with my dog, looking out the back window, watching the low, heavy clouds over my backyard coalesce into a swirl. A shaggy funnel dips down and back up, down and back up, over and over. My hand is on the dog's collar. We have no basement.

I stare out the window for a full five minutes after the last funnel sign, then I call my mother, who is watching my one-year-old son at her house ten miles away. We are moving to an interior room, she tells me. We'll get into the bathtub.

I walk out the front door of my house, locking it behind me with the dog inside. I worry whether she and it will be here when I get back. On my way to the car I meet a neighbor coming home who tells me I'm crazy. She tells me to get back inside. I tell her I can't. I tell her I have an appointment.

As I'm driving east, I look to the north and see a fully formed funnel cloud skipping over the horizon. I can't tell how far away it is. It doesn't look real. It looks like a cartoon. It's early afternoon but the sky is black as night. My hands tighten on the wheel.

I pull into the parking lot of a building that is made entirely of glass. Every wall is a black window, three stories up. Black windows against a black sky. The air is still as I get out of my car. There is no birdsong, but there's a distant howl. A sound of rushing.

I walk inside. I make my way down a glass-fronted hallway in this building made of glass and turn a handle, but the door is locked. I can see there are people inside, so I knock. A woman hurries over.

What are you doing here, she says. We're all going home, she says. Have you looked outside, she says.

I say No.
I say Listen.

I have been bleeding through my entire first trimester. I have hyperemesis so severe that I have to take Phenergan suppositories just to keep down water, much less food or prenatal vitamins. I have read the books and I'm pretty sure this is a molar pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy, twins, dead twins. I have an appointment today, right now, to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I'm going to hear that heartbeat.

The truth is I only said some of those things. The truth is that being taken out in a shower of glass and rebar was the least of my concerns right then.

I say Please.

She takes me back to a room. The exterior wall is glass. I lay on the paper-lined table and turn my head to the right. I watch the still air outside give way to shrieking gusts as I pull my top up to my bra and slide my pants below my hipbones. She tucks paper into my waistband and squirts cold jelly just above my pubic bone. Stunted trees whip in a frenzy outside the wall-window as she slides the wand across my abdomen and after an eternity during which I'm sure my house and dog and son and mother are obliterated by an angry or worse apathetic god I hear it: lublublublublublub. Faster than fast. A herd of frothing horses.

That's a good, strong heartbeat, she says.
Be careful out there, she says.

I say Thank You.
I say You Too.

I rush to my car. I drive home in a downpour so thick I can't see beyond my windshield. If there are funnel clouds to my north, ich kenn ihnen nicht. If there are funnel clouds to my north, I can't worry about them now. I am carrying a baby with a good, strong heartbeat. I am carrying an alive baby.

The 3.4 miles between the hospital and my house take thirty minutes.
My house, which is still standing.
My house, with my alive dog inside.

I call my alive mother. Later, she will bring my alive son home. Later, I will insert a Phenergan suppository and take a prenatal vitamin and try very hard keep them both inside.

Six months and two days later, I will look into the face of my beautiful alive H for the very first time.

We can be heroes

Well hey, there. We haven't spoken since early November. That's because  since November 8th, 2016, a date which will live in infamy, my inner monologue has sounded a little something like this:



It's not really conducive to blogging. Or to anything else requiring any concentration whatsoever.

In December I lost the ability to read books. Like, I still knew HOW to read, but books just weren't happening. I'm happy to say that went away after Christmas and I've since read and LOVED Alfred Lansing's Endurance, Ben H. Winters's Underground Airlines and Solomon Northup's Twelve Years  a Slave (this assumes the word "loved" can be applied to engaging, well-written books with horrific subject matter, in which case it would be accurate to say I'm currently loving Jane Miller's Dark Money).

Interspersed with the above, I've also been re-reading all the Harry Potter books because my privilege allows me not to think about horrible things every single second of every single day and my suicidal ideation requires that I occasionally indulge that privilege. I'd forgotten how different the books are from the movies, which I also love, but Peeves really got the shaft, eh? Whither Peeves?

This week is really really hard for more than half of us, if the numbers are correct, and I don't really know how to cope beyond donating money to the ground troops in the war for peace and equality and decency and science-based everything. And reading about wizards.

I'm trying to avoid social media but I crave connection but I don't want to leave my house. I want to say everything will be okay but I don't believe that's true but I don't want to bum everybody out.

Here's what I know:

• The sun is out today for the first time in more than a week (of rain and gloom and damp) and I intend to enjoy it.
• Homemade soup is the bees knees.
• I can and will lose all the weight I put on over the holidays. So can you.
• I can feel all the bad feelings and still put more love and kindness out into the world. So can you.

And I like to kick, streeeeetch, and KICK!

I turned fifty years old last month, holy shit. There was a time when I didn't think I would make it.

I have suffered from depression with suicidal ideation off and on for pretty much my entire life. Certainly all/most of my adult life. It was particularly bad in my 20s and 40s for some reason, and for real, I thought it would kill me. I really did. I never was able to picture myself at fifty and I just couldn't conceive of it ever happening. But it did!

I don't know whether my diet, yoga, meditation, etc. are the cause -- all of that certainly helped with my depression and anxiety -- but Death no longer is my seductive imaginary lover. Death and I are more like an old married couple now. The fascination/obsession stage is over and now we're just comfortable companions, Death and I. We've learned each other's habits. We have boundaries. Every now and then, Death says, "Now?" And I say, "Nope, not today."

We're all going to die someday, but I can say with 98% certainty that in my case, it won't be on purpose. Or at least not on purpose by me. I could be murdered, I suppose. So yeah. I'm FIFTY!

I'm fifty years old and I have learned a few things, you guys:

1. Some people believe it is their God-given right to drive in the left lane and there is nothing you can do about that.
2. Pursuant to Article 1, some people are going to drive 10 m.p.h. below the posted speed limit even in perfect weather/road conditions and there's nothing you can do about that, either.
3. Sometimes #1 and #2 are the same person. Just breathe through it, you guys. Breathe the fuck through it while you putt-putt along behind these fucking assholes fellow citizens of the planet.
4. Hollywood doesn't have any new ideas. They're just going to keep re-making shit and adapting books from now until the zombie apocalypse. You can't do anything about that, unless you (a) come up with a new idea and manage to sell it, or (b) figure out a way to hasten the zombie apocalypse.
5. It's okay to stop reading a book you don't like, stop watching a TV series that has become terrible, leave food on your plate, throw away leftovers, quit a job that sucks your soul right out of you, leave a relationship that isn't working, and block, unfriend or deny friend requests from people on Facebook. Really. It's okay.
6. Molding yourself into something you think a specific person or group of people will like is fun for about a month. After that it sucks and is terrible and you will come to hate that person/persons and to blame them for your own disingenuous bullshit. So just be yourself and make peace with the fact that only a VERY few people may get what you're about and like you. Each of those people is worth, like, a HUNDRED people who just sort of tolerate you.
7. Never buy sushi from a gas station, a hamburger from a seafood restaurant, or pre-made chia pudding from anywhere at all.
8. Fifty absolutely is not the new thirty and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Fifty is its own thing, and for real, you guys, it's pretty damn great. I'm not sure anyone in the history of turning fifty has been as happy about it as I am. I made it! I'm fifty. Holy shit.

Low brow but I rock a little know how

It's been a rough start to 2016, I'll tell you what. My poor girl H, who had so many blood draws and radiology procedures in 2015 that I wouldn't be surprised if she was anemic AND glowed in the dark, rang in the new year with pneumonia and a double ear infection, which resulted in a whole lot of absences at the beginning of the spring semester of school.

And then within the space of three weeks she was in TWO car accidents, neither of which were her fault, the second of which resulted in minor injuries (more absences and a couple of canceled theater productions) and her car being totaled. It all got to be a bit too much and, well, you remember when C's brain exploded and we had to pull him out of school in the middle of his junior year? Well, it's kind of like that all over again, but without the misophonia. All of which is to say we formally withdrew H from school this past Friday, just two months shy of what would have been her high school graduation.

Big sigh. Deep breaths.

Unfortunately the place (online) where C was able to get his high school diploma has since been shut down, so best case: she re-enrolls in the summer or fall and finishes up the 1.5 credits she needs to graduate. Worst case: GED. Yep. Meanwhile she was selected as Employee of the Week at her job last week. Life goes on.

While H's car was in the shop waiting to be declared totaled we rented a car for P to drive because H isn't old enough to drive a rental car so she had to drive his truck to work and at one point the truck broke and my car broke and the only working car we had was the rental car and also our dishwasher broke. And a bird kamikaze'd itself into my window while I was doing yoga, which may or may not have been a sign from the universe, but I needed a good cry anyway.

Since last we spoke, I cut off all of my hair twice and dyed some of it purple because really, what else was I going to do? Start drinking again? Join a convent? Purple man hair seemed like the better course of action.

Given that the kids are okay and P and I are okay and everything's going to be okay, the best thing I can say about all this is that, purple hair aside, I've been handling it. I have two individual coaching clients left before I stop doing that for the remainder of the year, and I'm keeping up with yoga (whether the birds approve or not) and mindfulness and not eating too much crap. I've adopted an attitude of gratitude. I've mostly gotten over my damn self and released my expectations and my need for control. Those are pretty big deals for me, so go me, or whatever.

I don't think I set a word or a phrase or any intention (besides "less fear, more authenticity") for 2016 but so far this year I'm getting a strong message that I'm being called to love more. To meet every challenge with love. To quit grasping after my attachments and expectations and just give love.



I've been trying it and so far it's never been the wrong answer. Not once.