Things I learned while traveling to and from Ohio by way of Tennessee to attend my grandfather's funeral

I can't read on airplanes. I have to listen to music instead. I'm not sure why this is. I started that lovely book up there, Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple, the night before I left and I did not realize until after I'd arrived back home four days later that it's actually hilariously funny. Huh.

My sister-in-law's childhood piano was autographed by Liberace. The real Liberace, for real, that is not fake, that really happened. What a random and wonderful thing, eh?

Other cities have a bunch more grocery store chains than we do here in the ATX. Just within two miles of my brother's house in Nashville there is a Kroger, a Harris Teeter, and another store I can't remember the name of right now. Within two miles of my house, there is an H-E-B. Within ten miles of my house there is an H-E-B and about five more H-E-Bs. I mean sure, we have Walmart and Target and various "natural" grocery stores and whatnot, but we have no double coupon days, I guess is what I'm complaining about here.

Cincinnati's world-famous Skyline Chili is not paleo. But I ate a 5-Way anyway, and it was delicious.

My two oldest cousins have not aged a day in 20 years. I don't want to start any nasty rumors or anything, but I think they MIGHT be bathing in the blood of virgins. Maybe. Allegedly. That's all I'm saying.

In completely separate incidents over the course of his almost 93 years, my grandfather saved an astounding number of people from drowning. Just drowning, specifically. He was never a lifeguard or in the Coast Guard or Navy or any of that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right time on several occasions. Another random and wonderful thing.

Sometimes cremation urns are too tall to fit in their designated niches at mausoleums. That was an awkward moment. But then Grandpa WAS very tall in life, so I'm not sure why any of us were surprised.

If you see someone, like me for instance, wearing an Ohio State shirt with the acronym TBDBITL, that stands for The Best Damn Band In The Land, because they are. And this rather long but totally worth it video demonstrates why.

Snowflakes gently swirling about as you walk around The Ohio State University campus sipping coffee with your brother are charming, but white-out blizzards while you're driving down the interstate trying to get the hell out of Dodge (or Columbus, as the case may be) are sort of terrifying. No more need be said about that, really.

There's no place like home. Ditto.