We can talk about Christmas now

I was so freaking organized for Thanksgiving this year, you guys. I'm not sure how that happened. I made the sweet potatoes on Tuesday and then everything else (mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce) except the turkey, ham, gravy and rolls on Wednesday, and then I made the meat and rolls and gravy and stuff on Thursday and just warmed everything else up, and I had told my parents to be here at 1:00 which is exactly when everything was ready. This will never happen again, I'm pretty sure.

My parentals brought my mom's mac & cheese and a pecan pie and these little pilgrim hats my mom made out of fudge stripe cookies and mini peanut butter cups. We ate and played Apples To Apples and went for a long walk with the dog and I did not take one single solitary photo, not of my parents or the food or anything. Heh. Whoops.

H does not like me to decorate for Christmas before her birthday, which is Thursday, which is also the day she leaves for a three-day school trip about which we are all VERY excited, because she was one of very few freshman from her school selected to go. She has given me permission to decorate for Christmas while she's gone so that when she comes back, apart from being FIFTEEN HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, she will find herself smack in the middle of Christmastown. Which means now I HAVE TO decorate for Christmas while she's gone or she'll be very disappointed, and I'm not sure I was quite ready to do that this soon. Hmm.

It's not that I'm not ready for Christmas. I actually sort of am. I've been downloading pooloads of Christmas music off Amazon this week (did you know Jethro Tull has a Christmas album? well, now you do) and I've made my lists of baked goodies and whatnot. The gift shopping is essentially done owing to the fact that both kids requested big ticket items that ate up the whole budget for their gifts. I've been swilling eggnog with abandon and I'm already on my second bag (so far) of Lindt dark chocolate mint truffles.

It's just the decorating, ugh. So much work. I may have to only set up one tree this year and leave the other five in their boxes. (I know. I DO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM THERE.)

Meanwhile I am still taking photos for the habit blog's flickr pool but sporadically, not daily. I am reading Patrick DeWitt's The Sisters Brothers which is delightful but not at all Christmassy. I'm making chai tea concentrate (with rooibos) again but this time I've cut the sugar in half and it's STILL sweeter than I'd like. I may just leave it out altogether in the next batch and sweeten each mug individually. It's been chilly off and on but I've forgotten how to wear a scarf without it looking stupid, oh no.

The leaves have just started falling from the plum and pecan and elm trees and our neighbor's bradford pear. I found my fireplace DVD (our real fireplace has birds in it). We've been running the heat at night. Let's do this, December. I am ready for you.

11/12

Ugh. Yeah. November. I don't know why I've been so stressed lately. There's nothing particularly horrible going on in my life right now (C is all caught up on homework; Grandpa has been released from the hospital into a nursing home). Just drew the short straw in the brain chemistry lotto, I guess. Or maybe it's the crazy perimenopause hormones. Or pre-holiday stuff. Or I'm just a whiner. Or all of the above.

Anyway, here's a bunch of random for your Tuesday:

I'm reading Tovar Cerulli's The Mindful Carnivore and I like it very much. I picked it up (on Kindle, so figuratively speaking) because the blurb described a philosophical/culinary journey much like my own: grew up fishing and eating meat, became vegetarian for ethical reasons in early adulthood, suffered health problems as a result, returned to eating meat but in a more conscious/responsible way. In Cerulli's case he went the extra step of learning how to hunt, which I have not done, but we do eat game when we can get it and I feel it's a more ethical choice than CAFO meat. So yeah. Interesting. I will try to post a more detailed review when I've finished it.

(Related: I read this article yesterday in the November issue of Whole Living and found it so interesting that the author feels weirdly apologetic about her vegetarianism, because I've always felt the same way about the fact that I have to eat meat. And that, you know, I LIKE MEAT.)

(Also related: I have this shirt but I feel weird about wearing it in public, especially if I know kids will be around. I do not want you to have to explain that to your young children, fellow parents. YOU'RE WELCOME.)

(Anyway....)

I've started doing cross-stitch again, because I'm 80. Yeah. I don't know. For some reason my hands hate me when I try to do crochet and even knitting now, but I can hold a frame and a needle just fine. It's been years and years since I did any cross-stitch and apparently the done thing now is to do half-crosses across a line and then go back the other way to fill them in, but I don't like that. I like to make one complete X and move on to the next one. So that's what I'm doing. You are fascinated by this, I can tell.

I can never be in a bad mood while listening to this song. I think it's the horns.

So far my November submissions to the habit blog's flickr pool have been featured on the blog three times: on November 8, 10 and 11. This makes me happy.

Sparkpeople tells me that I've managed to maintain my weight loss for 8 weeks now, which I find remarkable. Much like I didn't expect to actually lose the weight in the first place, I didn't expect to keep it off, either. I've kept my eating habits pretty much the same as when I was trying to lose but I have not worked out as much. I barely worked out at all for the entire month of October, in fact, which is probably why November fell on my head like a ton of bricks. So, I am back in the saddle now: exercising vigorously at least three days a week and eating more elk burgers to compensate. It works for me.

It's cold here now. Legitimately cold, not just Texas cold. My cooking mojo is returning and my Thanksgiving menu is set.

But I'm not quite ready to talk about Christmas. If that's okay with you.

Putting the funk in dysfunction since 1966

So I'm in therapy now, you know. Working on some things. Given that I am high-strung and pessimistic by nature, we're trying to lower my base level of OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!1!!1!!11!!! and raise my base level of Everything Is Awesome! <3 kittens !1 rainbows! so that when little disasters hit (my grandpa is in the hospital! my kid is a full week behind on homework!)(these are things I found out today!) I don't go off the deep end and start looking for ways to fake my own death or whatever.

Yeah.

So far? NOT GOING WELL.

I'll keep you posted.

Done

I don't have a lot of good things to say about politics here in Texas, but I will say this: we have early voting, and it is Teh Awesome.

So yeah. I voted LAST WEEK. And I'm not sure I can be held responsible for my actions re: the next person who reminds me to go vote today.

I'm just sayin'.

A brief interruption

Well, I guess it's decided, then. Having missed posting here yesterday, I'm obviously NOT doing NaBloPoMo. That takes some of the pressure off.

I couldn't post yesterday because we were busy doing this:

At C's request, we drove down to San Antonio yesterday to watch his high school band compete in a big huge giant (61 bands, yo) marching contest at the Alamodome. They did amazing and ended up placing 8th.

And I didn't cry. Not like I did when I first saw this year's marching show on Parents Night back in August, with the hole in the sousaphone line where C was supposed to be. He was in uniform that night but not on the field. Instead he was off on the sidelines, under the bleachers, up in the stands, battling an anxiety attack and trying to stay away from people who were eating.

I cried a little bit last Friday, too, when the band marched into the stadium before the homecoming game (the only game I've attended this season), and there were all the sousaphones in back of the parade block like always, only C wasn't there. (He was off having a fun adventure with a friend that night, which was a very good/happy thing, but still.)

I tell myself I shouldn't be any more upset about C not being able to do marching band this year than he is, himself, but I can't help it. He had to overcome so much to even do marching band in the first place -- sensory processing difficulties, motor planning difficulties, a paralyzing fear of flying insects. And he did. He overcame all of that. And then after a brief taste of success, anxiety stole band away from him earlier this year. I know how hard he has worked, and how good band has been for him, and how much joy it's brought him, and to see all of that taken away, well. As his mother, sometimes it just doubles me over.

But hey, I didn't mean for this to be a maudlin update, so here are some good things:

1. C is doing quite well at his current dose of medication.
2. After a shaky start when we first arrived at the Alamodome, with all the people and food and chaos, C ended up having an absolute blast watching all the bands and hanging out with friends.
3. He is looking forward to marching again next year. And we really think he will be able to do that.

I'm hopeful that eventually he'll get back everything he's lost. And then this year will be just a memory. A tiny, faded scar.

Still trying to get the eye

I'm participating in the habit blog's open flickr pool again this month, just like last November.  I don't know whether any of my photos and words will make the cut this time around, but if you'd like to follow along, I'll be collecting my submissions here (click on the thumbnails to bring up a larger photo and caption).

P.S. The box above that one is labeled STUFF.
P.P.S. I still haven't decided whether I'm doing NaBloPoMo. Let's just see how this goes, okay?

Happy November

So hey! How was your Halloween, everyone? I think H outdid herself with this year's pumpkins but apart from that Halloween was sort of a non-entity around here. I forgot that it was even happening until sometime late last week, when I was grocery shopping and wondered what was up with all the giant bags of candy. D'oh!

I blame it on having teenagers. Mine are now officially old enough to feel self-conscious about trick-or-treating, and thank God for that. No more combing through piles of crap at Goodwill and Party City weeks in advance looking for costume components that won't make my girl child look like she's going as a kinderwhore for Halloween, and no more trying to wash fake blood out of my boy child's clothes = fine by me. Now H walks around the neighborhood -- NOT trick-or-treating -- in some cobbled-together costume (fully clothed, I'm happy to say) with friends and C hands out the candy while I stay locked in my bedroom with a cocktail, my TiFaux and the dog. It's really better for everyone that way.

I haven't quite decided whether I'm doing NaBloPoMo this year. Last year it rendered me even more boring than usual, so. Maybe. Maybe not.

My parents gave me 10 pounds of sweet potatoes

Only two updates (so far) (including this one) in October? I'm sorry. That's terrible. The trip, you know. And the aftermath of the trip. And the stuff preceding the trip. Not necessarily in that order.

Son C is now taking 10 mg of Lexapro. If miracles exist, I think this drug is as close as we're going to get. It has been AMAZING for him. His base level of anxiety has decreased by several degrees of magnitude, and yes I do know what that expression means, and no I am not exaggerating. In the past couple of weeks he's been able to attend a marching band exhibition in a big stadium with tons of people (he was a spectator, not a participant), go for a bike ride with a friend on some trails near our house, and go to an open mic night at another friend's church, which included riding an hour there and back in a car with this friend's family. These are things that would have been impossible for him a couple of months ago when his anxiety was so crippling that even leaving the house for therapy appointments was a massive ordeal.

When his anxiety is low, his misophonia is so much easier for him to deal with. I still would never eat or drink or chew gum around him, but I can talk to him now. His father can talk to him, sometimes, a little bit. His sister still can't talk to him but he CAN stand to be in the same room with her most days. This is HUGE, both for him and for our family. I am stunned and amazed and so very, very grateful. I am so glad we found something that works for him and I pray that it continues to work.

In other news, it's definitely fall here now. It still doesn't look like fall, but all my sneezing and wheezing and the fact that I need to run the heater in my car while taking the girls (H and her friend; we carpool) to school in the morning tells me it's so. We turn the clocks back this weekend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I can't see to drive in the dark and this gets worse every year, which makes driving the kids to after-school activities in the winter sort of interesting from a possible sudden death standpoint.

I'm in a reading slump right now; ordinarily I'd be reading spooky stuff this time of year but I'm just not in the mood, so I'm re-reading Louise Penny's Still Life, the first Chief Inspector Gamache book. It takes place near Canadian Thanksgiving so it's relatively seasonal. 'Twill do, 'twill serve. I've got A Fatal Grace, which takes place around Christmas, all queued up for December.

New seasons of some of "my" shows started up while I was out of town, most notably The Walking Dead and American Horror Story. Thank goodness for DVRs and online episodes. I've been catching up this week and so far I'm liking both okay. As far as The Walking Dead is concerned, I'm glad that little shit Carl is finally making himself useful re: zombie fighting and I still kind of hope Lori dies in childbirth (I'm terrible, I know). American Horror Story isn't quite the same without that fabulous creepy old house, but I do like the new storyline and I think it's clever the way they've used some of the actors from the first season as completely new characters in the second season. And also I have a pervy old lady crush on Evan Peters. So yeah. I think I'm in.

I worked out this morning for the first time in three weeks. That's going to hurt later. I've somehow managed to maintain my weight loss for the past month-plus through diet alone, pretty much, but now that it's getting colder and darker I'm craving comfort food and that never ends well. I've cut back a lot on grain and refined sugar but I haven't gone full Paleo because that didn't end well either, so while I think I have Thanksgiving under control I'm not sure what to do about Christmas cookies. Because Mama definitely needs some Christmas cookies, y'all.

I've been looking back at my trip photos and realizing that with Hurricane Sandy slamming into the east coast, all of those lovely colorful leaves I drove through in the mountains will be history soon if they aren't already. I fervently hope that all my friends and family in the path of the storm and all the lovely people I met in my travels stay safe and whole and well.

And you, too. Wherever you are.

I've been everywhere

I've been off on a bit of a solo adventure this past week, driving alone from Texas to Ohio by way of Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee and Kentucky to meet up with my brother and parents and visit some extended family.

  

 

And then on the way home, I decided to take the scenic route. I drove through West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia and Alabama before finally crossing through Mississippi and Louisiana again, and then home to Texas.

I drove through 12 states and slept in five of them.

I saw my parents and brother, four cousins, six first cousins once-removed, all my uncles, all but one of my aunts, and my last remaining grandparent.

I saw autumn leaves for the first time in 12 years.

I drove through the Appalachian Mountains.

I crossed the Mississippi River twice.

(Ditto the Ohio River.)

I shopped at Tamarack in West Virginia.

I climbed the tower at Big Walker Lookout in Virginia.

I ate pulled pork with four different sauces at Tom's Barbecue in Greenville, SC.

I put more than 3,000 miles on my car.

I finished reading The Hangman's Daughter by Oliver Pötzsch and liked it very much.

I drank many tiny plastic bottles of wine.

For 5.5 of the eight days I was gone I was completely alone with my thoughts. I didn't have to worry about what anyone else wanted or needed. I didn't have to make anyone's dinner. I didn't have to clean up any messes I didn't make. I didn't have any appointments to keep.

I had a lot of fun.

HOWEVER...

I missed my kids and husband. And even the stupid dog.

I missed the water pressure in my shower at home.

I missed my bed. And my pillow.

I even missed my own cooking.

I learned that while I am a total antisocial misfit loner and proud of it, some things are just more fun when shared with one's favorite people.

And I am SO GLAD to be home. Where my people are.

September update

I've been trying to update Ye Olde Blogge here for the past couple of days, and every single time I lose my writing mojo and decide I have nothing to tell you. So I am just going to list off some random stuff that's been going on around here and hope for the best, alright? Yeah.

1. I started reading Deborah Harkness's A Discovery of Witches but got bored eight chapters in and stopped. My God, this is going to be the most fascinating blog update ever!
2. My dog recently started lifting his leg to pee. (I bring you only the very best in entertainment.) I don't know why he is doing this all of a sudden now. Is it a 2-year milestone, or something? We had him neutered when he was 6 months old and I always assumed that was why he peed like a girl dog, only now he doesn't. Hmm.
3. I spent an embarrassingly large amount of time this morning Googling "how to cook frozen mussels". I don't actually HAVE any frozen mussels, but I've seen them in the store and I've always wondered how that works. And now I know that in order to freeze mussels, you have to cook them first. So, frozen mussels are already cooked, and they probably won't kill you, and now YOU don't have to Google that. You're welcome.
4. Speaking of food, I've lately become a person who drinks vinegar. I know. That is a thing, apparently? A thing that I do now. But I'm telling you, a tablespoon of that coconut white balsamic vinegar I bought on my birthday mixed with sparkling water over ice is freaking DELICIOUS. It is! For real!
5. We recently started C on Lexapro, which is a SSRI which might kill him maybe. But if it doesn't kill him, it might save his life. I said once upon a time that I would never put my under-18 child on psychotropic drugs, AND YET it has become so incredibly obvious that his crippling anxiety is the key to virtually everything in his world that isn't working right now. He is 16 years old, he is the size of an adult, he has the body mass of an adult. These drugs help SO MANY people who end up NOT killing themselves. We are monitoring him super closely -- now that he's not going to school I am with him virtually all day, every day -- and he is seeing his doctor once every 2 - 3 weeks. P, C and I firmly believe the possible benefits outweigh the possible risks. But holy hell. This parenting shit is hard, you guys. 
6. I am in therapy too now. So that is a good thing, and probably long overdue.
7. In addition to my beloved Jillian Michaels exercise DVDs (OMG, I just started doing her new one, Killer Abs, and it is incredible) I am also walking the dog again, because it's cool enough in the mornings to do that now. Much like me, the dog is less of a hellbeast when he gets his exercise every day. So that too is a good thing.
8. Except the air is thick right now with horrible noxious pollen and mold spores and whatnot, so while the dog and I are slightly lower on the hellbeast scale these days, we both are snorting and snuffling and wheezing our way through life, which is JUST DELIGHTFUL. I am carrying about a gallon of Afrin nasal spray around in my sinuses right now, and I know this because I can feel it sloshing back and forth whenever I move my head. Bleargh.
9. On the plus side, if we can just get the temperature to scootch down by 10 - 15 degrees or so it will officially be Hot Toddy Season. And hot toddies cure everything. That is a medical fact.
10. Until then, I'll just keep huffing sriracha.